The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
