I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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