I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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