What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
