Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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