If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
