I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
