I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
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He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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