Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
