Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag