I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
