I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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