what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
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Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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