I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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