I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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