So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im part way to drunk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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