well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize