Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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