yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Everything about him screamed your future.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
