we have pet lesbian snakes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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