when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico