I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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