Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
