I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
