I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
