he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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