6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm having to shit out rocks
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