I cannot find my penis.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
