I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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