I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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