GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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