Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
