How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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