ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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