its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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