she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
