he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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