Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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