Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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