I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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