Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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