I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
