i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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