So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
