does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
