So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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