this boner is exhausting
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
