dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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