I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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