I got chris browned last night
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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