Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
