i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
