Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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